One Foot in Front of the Other

I walked nearly 6 miles in the heat of the day. It took me nearly two hours because I was walking with my Mother, but the point is I did something other than sit on my ass for two hours.

I wish I had room for a grill on my porch. I love grilling and I'm so good at it. Thankfully, Mom has a grill, so I grilled at her house when I visited. Grilled swordfish with grilled veggie skewers and my simple-yet-refreshing-go-to salad: cucumber, grape tomatoes, cilantro, and feta cheese tossed with lime and lemon juice, a ridiculous amount of spice (this time, Mediterranean mix) and sea salt. Then exactly 1/2 cup of french vanilla gelato with blueberries and strawberries. Of course, wine: two glasses of Chardonnay.

I do love my wine.

My mother, too, is overweight. Growing up, I was the lone Fattie in my family. Dad served in the Air Force, so he had to stay fit, then Mom and my brother John were twigs. In the last few years, with my brother and I moving away, Mom said she turned to food for comfort. She and I are within ten pounds of each other, but she's about four inches short than me, so it shows more on her.

Tomorrow I intend to walk around downtown while on my hour-and-a-half lunch break from jury duty.

I lost something crazy like sixty pounds when I gave up my car and moved back to Pittsburgh following my divorce. It was fantastic! Walking is SO good for you!

...

I'd like to speak quickly about a complex I call Former Fattie Judgie.

Backstory: I have two best friends. Growing up, we were all around the same size with me always being the fattest. When we were 20, one of them lost a significant amount of weight, and then began critiquing my eating choices and exercise habits. I felt betrayed. We ended up in a major fight after I screamed at her for telling me I was going to kill myself with my lifestyle habits. I hated her so much for judging me, for judging my habits, and I informed her she had no right to judge me, and that she should remember she was once fat, too.

Well, then I lost weight. How quickly I became a Former Fattie Judgie. Like reformed alcoholics who've found Jesus and find it their life's mission to lead others to the light, Former Fattie Judgies feel the same for other fatties. I was no different. I still am no different, though significantly less openly judgmental than I used to be. For instance, I sometimes still stare and gasp in restaurants when I watch a morbidly obese person order a milkshake, cream of potato soup, basket of fries, AND salad ("with ranch on the side, please") to START (I left before I saw what the entree was--I can only imagine it was deep fried and covered in cream sauce; to be fair, I was at my favorite Jewish deli, where everything is huge and not good for you).

And with my other best friend, who now weighs what I did at my peak, I feel lost and hopeless. She was smokes and eats terribly. I try not to be judgy, but it's so difficult. I know from my own struggles, I have to shut it because deciding to lose weight is a VERY personal choice, and one you must come to on your own. I remember when the Skinny Best Friend would yell at me for ordering a foot-long sub ("You can't possibly eat all of that! A 6" is more than enough!"), and to spite her, I'd order the bag of chips with it, too. I turned to food when I felt defeated and fat.

Food has always been a comfort. Changing out of that mentality is a life-long struggle.

I still struggle with it. It, frankly, sucks hard.

But that's life. This is my struggle. I have to take control and deal accordingly. I do not want to suffer from completely preventable obesity-related diseases. I don't want to feel bad.

Healthy and strong!