179: Down 10 Pounds

I've lost 10 pounds. I'd be more proud were I exercising and my body was toned and looked like I'd lost 10 pounds. You'll notice in the posted picture that my breasts are smaller (always the case for women, right? First place we lose is the last place from which we want to lose). Clothes fit easier.

Now here's why and how. In an effort to find the source(s) of my idiopathic chronic urticaria (doctor speak for 'hives I've had for over a year that doctor's in which the source/cause is unknown'), I have eliminated both dairy and gluten (think bread, cake, etc...anything with wheat in it) from my diet. The hives aren't as bad and I don't have the congestion/excess mucus production I had when I drank milk and ate cheese. Am I allergic to either? Who knows. Do I feel better now that I've eliminated both? Totally. (I see an allergist tomorrow morning, so here's hoping I can kick the hives once and for all.)

I need to exercise. I could list a million excuses. None of them are legit.

I'm 179 pounds now, BMI is 28. I'm going to focus on toning and increasing my cardio. My lungs are embarrassingly weak right now, and while I do suffer from asthma, I blame my lack of cardio.

Cardio. Toning through lifting weights and practicing yoga.

Yes. Let's do this!

On the Plus Side

As painful as these past ten days have been orally, I have to believe the pain I'm enduring will lead to weight loss.

I'll spare you the details, but what was supposed to be a filling for a minor cavity has turned into multiple procedures with another on the way. I've been eating soft foods and drinking a lot of liquid meals. This has made me very very very grumpy.

I've been drinking Ensure (courtesy of my boss who, I think, just wanted to feed me to stop whining--bless him, and everyone else in the office, for enduring me this week), Carnation Instant breakfast, and Slimfast. I are Panera's broccoli cheddar soup this week on two occasions, with little bread balls rolled up and sopped up in the soup. Yesterday I ate pasta and today I ate rice and more pasta (chewing on the non-sore side, of course).

Ok, so maybe too many carbs. Oh well, scales will tell.

Okay, these are valid excuses for not working: unbelievable pain on Tuesday, then dental procedures both yesterday and today have just left me nauseated and icky. My life sucks enough with not eating what I want and being in pain.

Too much salt. Waaay too much salt. I don't think I've eaten a single fresh thing this week. Gross.

Ok, progress is slow, but steady.

One Foot in Front of the Other

I walked nearly 6 miles in the heat of the day. It took me nearly two hours because I was walking with my Mother, but the point is I did something other than sit on my ass for two hours.

I wish I had room for a grill on my porch. I love grilling and I'm so good at it. Thankfully, Mom has a grill, so I grilled at her house when I visited. Grilled swordfish with grilled veggie skewers and my simple-yet-refreshing-go-to salad: cucumber, grape tomatoes, cilantro, and feta cheese tossed with lime and lemon juice, a ridiculous amount of spice (this time, Mediterranean mix) and sea salt. Then exactly 1/2 cup of french vanilla gelato with blueberries and strawberries. Of course, wine: two glasses of Chardonnay.

I do love my wine.

My mother, too, is overweight. Growing up, I was the lone Fattie in my family. Dad served in the Air Force, so he had to stay fit, then Mom and my brother John were twigs. In the last few years, with my brother and I moving away, Mom said she turned to food for comfort. She and I are within ten pounds of each other, but she's about four inches short than me, so it shows more on her.

Tomorrow I intend to walk around downtown while on my hour-and-a-half lunch break from jury duty.

I lost something crazy like sixty pounds when I gave up my car and moved back to Pittsburgh following my divorce. It was fantastic! Walking is SO good for you!

...

I'd like to speak quickly about a complex I call Former Fattie Judgie.

Backstory: I have two best friends. Growing up, we were all around the same size with me always being the fattest. When we were 20, one of them lost a significant amount of weight, and then began critiquing my eating choices and exercise habits. I felt betrayed. We ended up in a major fight after I screamed at her for telling me I was going to kill myself with my lifestyle habits. I hated her so much for judging me, for judging my habits, and I informed her she had no right to judge me, and that she should remember she was once fat, too.

Well, then I lost weight. How quickly I became a Former Fattie Judgie. Like reformed alcoholics who've found Jesus and find it their life's mission to lead others to the light, Former Fattie Judgies feel the same for other fatties. I was no different. I still am no different, though significantly less openly judgmental than I used to be. For instance, I sometimes still stare and gasp in restaurants when I watch a morbidly obese person order a milkshake, cream of potato soup, basket of fries, AND salad ("with ranch on the side, please") to START (I left before I saw what the entree was--I can only imagine it was deep fried and covered in cream sauce; to be fair, I was at my favorite Jewish deli, where everything is huge and not good for you).

And with my other best friend, who now weighs what I did at my peak, I feel lost and hopeless. She was smokes and eats terribly. I try not to be judgy, but it's so difficult. I know from my own struggles, I have to shut it because deciding to lose weight is a VERY personal choice, and one you must come to on your own. I remember when the Skinny Best Friend would yell at me for ordering a foot-long sub ("You can't possibly eat all of that! A 6" is more than enough!"), and to spite her, I'd order the bag of chips with it, too. I turned to food when I felt defeated and fat.

Food has always been a comfort. Changing out of that mentality is a life-long struggle.

I still struggle with it. It, frankly, sucks hard.

But that's life. This is my struggle. I have to take control and deal accordingly. I do not want to suffer from completely preventable obesity-related diseases. I don't want to feel bad.

Healthy and strong!

Three Weeks: Lose Weight, Lower Sodium Intake, Increase Exercise

I had my regular blood pressure check up today. Considering the stress of this week (and the stress immediately preceding my doctor's appointment--hello, bad fuse in kitchen so all the food in my fridge and freezer rotted, and I discovered this minutes before I had to jet off to the dr!), I anticipated my blood pressure would be skyrocketing.

It wasn't too bad: 130/86.

I asked my doctor if I could lower my blood pressure meds. You see, my blood pressure medication is basically a hardcore diuretic, which means I pee A LOT. There are several reasons why this is incredibly annoying, but I won't divulge that now. My doctor said sure, but on three conditions:

• Lose weight
• Lower sodium intake
• Increase exercise

On her scale, with clothes on, I weighed 188 pounds. So, I've lost a whopping pound in a week.

Better than gaining?

No exercise. The excuses are legit-ish. I got sick Wednesday and Thursday was GodawfulDayfromHellJuryDutyandFighting.

This week has been fantastically shitty in every way possible. I've hated this week. The next four weeks aren't looking much better, assuming I get put on the jury: I'll be at the courthouse during the day, then working at night to finish my projects for work.

I'm having multiple mild heartattacks over this arrangement and trying not to freak out. I will absolutely have to work out or I'll go insane. The courthouse is downtown, a few blocks from my fancypants gym, so I'll have no excuse not to go after court, right? Right??

I eat out a lot. A whole lot. Like out of the 14 meals I eat per week, 11 of those are from restaurants. Terrible idea there, Kid. Sodium, fat, etc etc. No bueno. Plus, it's so expensive.

So, I really really really need to focus on cooking and eating at home. Maybe eating out twice per week.

So that solves the sodium issue. The exercising more and losing weight go hand-in-hand.

Tomorrow my best friend and I are going hiking. Like me, she struggles with her weight. We're both pretty out of shape, which is great--neither of us will feel like such a loser. We're not hiking anything epic, just a simple 3-mile, level-3 trail. At 0900. On a Saturday. Wow. Go Jen!


So I have three weeks to prove to my doctor I don't need to be on such a high dose of BP meds. I told her I didn't want to contribute to the obesity problem. She looked at me, a bit shocked, and speechless for a good few seconds.

My self awareness and straightforwardness does shock some, I suppose. I know I'm very overweight. I know I have control over my weight. I know that I am directly contributing to the obesity epidemic and all the problems and costs associated with it. I don't want to be a fatty statistic.

My goals for the next three weeks:

• Lose 10 pounds (weigh in at 178 pounds on 30 July)
• Maintain or improve current BP (my cousin who lives with me is a nurse, so I will have her take my BP daily)
• Exercise for at least one hour 4x a week (12x total)
• Eat out no more than 6 times total

I will do this.

Sloth.

Less than a year ago, I would go running on my lunch break. Six months ago, I joined a very upscale and expensive gym solely because I thought the cost would motivate me to attend. I haven't been in two months. The last time I exercised was nearly two weeks ago when I huffed and puffed my way through a nine-mile bike ride with coworkers.

Mortifying. Embarrassing. I always have a terrific excuse for not exercising. When did I--the girl who'd run three miles religiously every day--become so slothy?

I can't blame San Diego. Try as I might, I can't. Denver, yes, was the pinnacle of my personal health.

How did this girl...








...become such a sloth?

Denver was different because everyone there knew me as Thin Jen. I had the thin beautiful friends who ALWAYS wanted to go for a hike, a bike ride, kayaking, skiing, you name it! Here, I hang out with my friends who have always known me as Fat Jen. They all have children and are overweight, too, and don't have the time or interest to exercise.

My boyfriend in Denver was also incredibly athletic and outdoorsy.

Here, well, I don't have that. I haven't really sought it out either. The biking-with-coworkers thing is a step in the right direction. But completely embarrassing when I'm huffing and puffing.

Enough bitching and excuses.

Tomorrow: gym.

I used to kick ass at cardio. No more huffing and puffing for this lady!

Enough being out of breath from walking up the stairs. Enough!

I also need to monitor my sodium intake. I have high blood pressure and take a prescription diuretic (at my peak, my BP averaged 168/118, which is INCREDIBLY HIGH), so I really need to monitor sodium. Really difficult not to eat fresh when I do this. The whole Lean Cuisine and pre-packaged dinners doesn't work for me. I've been indulging in a few lazy meals (Lean Cuisine) as of late and I can feel the difference.

I hate not eating fresh. I love fruits and veggies. Like a whole lot. Mmmm. Salads make me so happy.

I digress.

Okay, food log :-)

I was good on July 4th with food, but bad with alcohol. I grilled up seabass, veggie skewers, and corn...but then split a bottle of champagne AND a bottle of wine with my Mom. Yikes! It seemed like a good idea at the time...?

A bottle of champagne has 500 calories, and I assume wine is about that. So, 500 calories in alcohol alone. Yikes.

Today I ate:

1 bowl of chocolate cheerios with skim milk (200 calories)
2 Zone chocolate&pecan protein bars (the lobster ravioli Lean Cuisine I brought was far too disgusting to eat, so I ate one for lunch, and one for snack) (420 calories)
1 veggie pita burger from Daphne's (540 calories--holy crap! No wonder it's so delicious!)
1 side salad from Daphne's (295 calories! Dude, this makes my dinner over 800 calories!)
1/4 mini bundt cake for coworker's bday (maybe 150 calories tops)
1/4 cup lowfat cottage cheese (40 calories)

Total today...1,645.

About 145 more than I should be eating.

Imagine how quickly I'll lose weight if I just exercise!

I actually took the time to make my lunch tonight: whole wheat pasta with veggies and a veggie burger. And I even made a raspberry sauce to go on my morning oatmeal (raspberries, water and splenda all boiled down together).

I can't wait to begin losing weight! Such an awesome feeling, for sure!

And to not be out of breath when I walk up the stairs.

Sleeping and Eating

Today, I managed to sleep and eat with minimal amounts of movement in between.

I slept until 2:30PM. Yes, you read that correctly. I woke up covered in hives and sneezing around 0830, so I popped a Benadryl and laid back down. Aside from times when I was sick, I cannot recall the last time I slept for 14 hours. Pretty impressive. I woke up, showered, and then went to the Padres game with my cousins (we won!). We walked a few blocks and I walked around at the game, but aside from that, no exercise. I did not indulge in beer or fatty snacks, but I did have a glass of wine. After the game, we rented movies and ate froyo at Golden Spoon. I'm pretty OK with my food choices for today. I ate...

2 cups of chocolate Cheerios (I actually measured; I'd considered only having 1 cup but I was super hungry this morning) with skim milk
1 pasta Lean Cuisine
1 of Cousin Carolyn's Coke (I always drink diet, BUT I was in dire need of caffeine after I woke up from my 14-hour snoozefest)
1 weight watchers ice cream snicker bar (SO GOOD and only 3 ww points)
1 glass of Chardonnay
1 massive diet Coke at the game
1 small chocolate-and-cheesecake froyo with brownie bits and almonds
1/2 bag microwave popcorn
1 glass of crystal lite

No fruits or veggies. Wow. Way to not work in any reasonable amount of nutrition into your diet, Jen! Hmmm. Need improvement. As does my exercise (rather, lackthereof).

Aside from clothes not fitting anymore, what's really bothering me is how out of breath I feel. I started training for a bike event with my coworkers and I was SO out of breath during our ride and the slowest one. I went to the Padres game the other night and was out of breath just walking up to our seats in the stadium. Granted, I do suffer from asthma, but this is not really asthma; this is me being completely out of shape. It's so uncomfortable, embarrassing, and a little scary.

I'm only 30 years old. I shouldn't feel this terrible at my age. My eating habits could use some work, but it's not like I'm pounding down Bud and shoving Fritos in my mouth, ya know? I eat tofu and drink skim milk. Aside from the lack of fruit and veggies in my diet as of late, and maybe a little too much froyo, I think I'm OK. But this lack of exercise is ridiculous. I'm such a Slothbeast with a wicked case of SecretaryAss! ENOUGH.

Ok, enough self loathing, too. I do like my shape. I just want to feel strong and healthy.

I'm sharing pictures of me at my heaviest (near 280 at age 23) and lowest (150s at age 29):

Jen Getting Thin

The best time to start is now. The best place is here. Now. Here. No excuses. A glass of Gewurtztraminer is helping. Ok, two glasses. We're friends, right? Friends are honest with each other.

So, Friend, I'm fat. Not morbidly obese fat (that was Jen circa 2002), but still, fat enough to not be able to fit into most of my clothes. Fat enough to make me cringe when I see pictures of myself and my Christmas-ham arms.

Tonight, I weigh 189 pounds. I'll let you in on a secret: I first typed out 289. Oh, memories. I used to weigh nearly that in my early 20s. Now, at 30, I'm 100 pounds less, but still 30 pounds more than what I weighed at 29. 30 pounds is a lot of weight. I'm most likely a size 14, but I manage to squeeze into [very forgiving] size 12s. Dear friends and coworkers, trust me: I'm very aware that I'm that girl who wears the too tight clothes. I apologize. I just cannot bring myself to buy size 14s. I once fit into 8s. Size 14s and 16s would hurt me. I cannot do it.

So enough. Here and now. Today begins the journey. I so want to delete this, but I will not. I will do this. I will, I will, I will. Akward.

Ok, we've established my 189 pounds of fat. I'm just under 5'7. I snapped myself in my favorite bikini, which a year ago, looked reasonably good. Now, not so much.


Yes, that's me. And here's more of me.
Back.






Thighs in all their cellulite-y glory.

Why am I doing this? I mean, why am I talking about this in a public forum? Well, I'm a huge process buff. I spent two years studying process in grad school and realize focus must be on the process for results. I'm going to be my own experiment. Okay, we're still being honest, right? Truth is, I guess I need the support. Sure, sure, the academic in me is interested in process, but this is my life and health we're talking about, not the engineer problem-solving process or writing cycle or some crap.

Okay, I'm getting a little discouraged now. This is difficult to talk about. I don't want to be a fatty statistic. I rant about fat people all the time--how morbidly obese people don't take care of themselves and how pissed off I get at people who do nothing to help themselves, so I end up supporting them vis a vis taxes.

But the reality is that I'm the problem. We see our own worst faults in others, right?

My BMI is 29.6, which classifies me as "overweight," per the National Institute of Health (NIH) guidelines. According to the NHI, I'm nearly classified as "obese" (BMI of 30+).

I don't feel good. I don't look good. I'm 30 years old and nearly 200 pounds. Not cool.

Oh, I'm also going to track what I eat, too.

Here's another truth, friend. While I was never what you would call anorexic, there was a time when I became obsessed with calorie counting and exercise. I was surviving on broccoli and eggs and running at least 3 miles a day and lifting weights. I was miserable. I cried at restaurants because I was too afraid to eat carbs. Oh, did I mention I don't eat meat? It was not a fun time in my life, and part of me does fear going down that road again.

This will be healthy.

I intent to measure my food, too. For now, a rough order of magnitude will suffice :-)

Today, I ate:

a bowl of chocolate Cheerios with skim milk
1 chocolate-covered donut (darn you, awesome coworkers!)
1 veggie sandwich from Submarina (on squaw bread with mayo and mustard and provolone cheese)
1/2 bag of baked Lays
1 Healthy Choice pasta frozen dinner
1 Smart Ones ice cream
2 glasses Gewurtz

I actually eat quite healthy. But I don't exercise. Which is funny because I pay an arm and a leg for a really fancy gym downtown that I never attend.

I will come up with a list of all the things upon which I wish to improve. For now, this is a good start.

Oh, just so we're clear: I do love my body. I love my body because it is strong and affords me the ability to do amazing things, like walk and breathe and hike and ski and bike and sail. I love my body and I love me, and that's why I'm going to be healthy. For me, because I deserve it. For my family and friends because they deserve to have me around for a long, long time. For my niece and nephew, Godson, and young cousin, so that they have an Auntie Jen who is healthy and strong enough to always play with them. And for you, my friend, so that thru my journey to health, you will realize you, too, are capable and strong and worthy of health and happiness!

Namaste :-)